The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
