he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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