I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
