Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
