hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
