she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
