I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
