how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
