so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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