My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
