She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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