You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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