mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
my poor anus
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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