pedialite and red bull = repair kit
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Boobs speak an international language.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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