I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
