You're my little dorito
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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