I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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