my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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