I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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