i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize