She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
