i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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