He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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