Someone shit on the floor
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My ATM looks so different sober.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
