so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
