i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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