there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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