I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
