oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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