I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
