I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
