I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
