I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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