I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
