mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
