You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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