So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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