I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
