That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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