I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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