Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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