I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
