I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
