i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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