Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
