Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
