every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
