Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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