now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
