Swine flu is the new snow day.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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