The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
is that a dick in a sweater?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
