Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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