she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
