life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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