She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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