New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
