At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
