You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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