apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Sober January is a disaster.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
