farters have to be the big spoon...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
