I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Congratulations! We have a period
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