he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
