I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize