He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
