I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
